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Elder Care Expert — Dr. Marion Somers, PhD

 
 

Answers from Dr. Marion Somers, PhD

Apr 25, 2012

Q:

I know I need to hire someone to help me care for my mother, but I’m not sure how to ask the right questions. Do you have a checklist you prepare ahead of time? asked by Veronica, Illinois

A:
Once you’ve determined what sort of help is required, the next step is to interview applicants. Always consider more than one candidate for the job. It’s the best way to find a good match. read more »
 
 

Apr 11, 2012

Q:

My husband and I are thinking about moving my 87 year-old mother in with our family. If we go ahead with it, we’ll have to do some construction, but we’re not sure how to go about it. Please help. asked by Meredith, Illinois

A:
Many families move their elder loved ones into their home environment once they reach a certain age. Often, the family wants grandma to move in for all of the right reasons, buy they don’t think about the costs of construction or how they will be inconvenienced when the work is being done. The entire family’s needs and routines must be addressed before you move forward. Many construction projects are delayed and/or go over budgeted costs, so that can heighten tensions, too. read more »
 
 

Mar 25, 2012

Q:

My mother is a danger on the road, but I’m having trouble taking her keys away. What should I do? asked by Coretta, Texas

A:
More than any other activity, driving is directly linked to a senior citizen’s sense of independence. It takes them back to their youth and days of freedom. But the time may come when you, as a caregiver, will have to decide whether or not your elder should continue driving. Take a hard look at whether or not your elder should still be operating a motor vehicle. If your elder is still competent behind the wheel, consider having them retested at the Department of Motor Vehicles. If they pass, you can then try and make it more comfortable for them to drive. read more »
 
 

Mar 14, 2012

Q:

What can you tell me about assisted living? asked by Pinky, Tennessee

A:
Assisted living provides the next level of care for those who need a protected environment. Employees are on site, and they’re attuned to the needs of their geriatric population. Household chores are performed: sheets are changed, laundry is done, and food is cooked and served. Some homes even have a beauty parlour on site. Grocery service is often available too. These facilities are also very secure, and offer sign-in and sign-out privileges. The medical staff is usually on call 24 hours a day, and there are aides to watch for memory-impaired residents. read more »
 
 

Feb 29, 2012

Q:

My dad recently passed away and left me a sizable life insurance policy. What do I have to do in order to collect this payout? asked by Sarah, Nevada

A:
Start by figuring out the exact cash value of your dad’s life insurance policy. Know the exact death benefit payout. If he has passed away naturally, there should be no squabble and the insurance company will pay out the benefit in a timely manner. If foul play or a suicide is suspected, there may be a long investigation and payments will be delayed. read more »
 
 

Feb 15, 2012

Q:

My father recently passed away, leaving behind my 85 year-old mother. Until recently, she was 100% self-sufficient, but now she’s in declining health and I need to hire an aide to help care for her. Do you have any helpful hints? asked by Michelle, Illinois

A:
Hiring an aide is a very important part of the caregiving process, and it’s worth taking the time to do it right. Don’t hire the first person that comes along. Your aide needs to be a good personality match with your mother. After all, they’ll be spending countless hours together. In the best-case scenario, an aide could become like a new member of your family. read more »
 
 

Feb 1, 2012

Q:

I am almost totally overwhelmed with having to be a caregiver for my father and work full time. I feel like I want to tell my boss and maybe even a co-worker about what's going on, but I'm really scared to bring it up. What should I do? asked by Julia

A:
Before talking to anyone, consider the following questions so you can individualize your situation. Thinking about these answers will help you move forward. read more »
 
 

Jan 14, 2012

Q:

I’m enjoying my life as a 77 year-old retiree, but I’ve been hearing a lot about new scams that are targeting the elderly. How can I protect myself? asked by Harriet, Michigan

A:
Elder fraud is happening at an alarming rate these days. Why? Unfortunately, the older population is very vulnerable. You have to stay alert to what can happen. The most common scams happen over the phone. Never, ever give your social security number, date of birth, or your mother’s maiden name to anyone over the phone. Many scams are perpetrated using these details. Identities are stolen, bank accounts are emptied, and new credit cards are opened and maxed out. read more »
 
 

Jan 4, 2012

Q:

I’m a caregiver for my 75-year-old father who retired five years ago. He’s in relatively good health, but he just won’t slow down as much as I’d like him to. He says, “Retirement isn’t what it used to be!” What should I do? asked by Carol, Texas

A:
Good for him! I often tell my clients, “Life’s an adventure and you only go around once, so you better make the most of it.” And the great news is that more and more of them are taking my advice. It used to be that most people who retired instantly became less mentally, physically, and socially active. If someone retired at 65, there usually wasn’t much more than a decade left before life was over. But nowadays, many retirees have two or three decades ahead of them to enjoy life. read more »
 
 

Dec 14, 2011

Q:

How important is having a will? asked by Jeremy, Georgia

A:
A will is a crucial document that must be taken care of well in advance of the end of your elder’s life. Do not allow your elder to die intestate (without a will). When your elder doesn’t have a will, the state may take over, which can become very complicated. You’re almost sure to lose a hefty percentage of the true value of the estate. By making a will and assigning power of attorney, your elder will feel comforted that his or her wishes will be carried out. read more »
 
 

Nov 30, 2011

Q:

Can you briefly explain a reverse mortgage? asked by Molly, Nebraska

A:
A reverse mortgage is an interesting option that was introduced relatively recently. It’s not for everyone, but it can work well for those elderly individuals who lack assets other than their home. Each situation is very specific, so you must carefully weigh all of the factors such as health, age, the value of the home, and inheritance wishes. read more »
 
 

Nov 16, 2011

Q:

How can I make sure that my parents’ property and valuables are accurately catalogued in case of a disaster or theft? asked by James, Rhode Island

A:
I’m glad you asked, since far too many people don’t even think to inventory their property until something has gone terribly wrong…and by then it’s too late. Many people are not aware of everything they have in their possession until they go through this process. The worst-case scenario is when nothing has been done and a calamity occurs. Then you are left trying to recall exactly what you had while you are dealing with the trauma of the negative event. So start this process as soon as possible. read more »
 
 

Nov 2, 2011

Q:

My parents will be moving into my house in 2 months. I’d like to organize their finances and taxes, but how should I go about getting help from a financial advisor? asked by Jennifer, Texas

A:
When parents move into your home, there are many potential changes that need to be addressed. First, all of the people who will be affected by the move need to have their needs addressed and attended to. For harmony to prevail, all the logistics, concerns, and emotions need to be recognized and validated. Make adjustments as needed, and work toward the common goal of making everyone feel comfortable, including all family members - even pets. read more »
 
 

Oct 19, 2011

Q:

I know I’m out of balance because I’m now a caregiver for my 78 year-old father, on top of being a boss and a parent and a mother. What can I do to get things back in line? asked by Sheila, California

A:
Working caregivers everywhere need to strive for balance in their lives. You have to try and eat right, exercise regularly, maintain a social life, be productive at work, and set aside the right amount of time for your family, all while being a caregiver. I get dizzy just thinking about it, but you can do it. It’s not hard to spot when a working caregiver is out of balance. They might gain or lose weight, abuse alcohol or drugs, perform poorly on the job, and even neglect their own family. Being conscious of this will help you avoid the dangerous pitfalls. read more »
 
 

Oct 5, 2011

Q:

My father is 80 and while he wants his independence and we want him to have it, this is causing a problem. He lives on a fixed income but every month when he gets his check, he loans most of it to friends... asked by Jamie, Washington

A:
Your father may be giving his money away to his friends, but have you ever asked him why? Is it to gain or continue friendships? Is he lonely and this way, he knows his friends will come around at least once a month? Is someone threatening or bullying him? Has he totally lost the understanding of what money is for? Does he know how much he actually needs for his expenses? Try to get to the heart of the matter. There may be a reasonable explanation (at least in his mind) that you are overlooking. If you still can’t figure out what is actually going on, and he insists on continuing to loan his friends money, it may be time to bring in an attorney. read more »
 
 

Sep 21, 2011

Q:

I’ve been the primary caregiver for my 88 year-old mother for the last two years and I’m absolutely overwhelmed by the challenge. I’m becoming very bitter. Help! asked by Irene, Ohio

A:
Caring for an elder loved one is often an overwhelming job. Make sure you’re taking care of yourself, and then determine the time and resources you can devote to the care of your elder. You can’t do it all by yourself. Get support from and delegate to others. Don’t let yourself get caught in a no-win situation. As long as you determine exactly what help is needed, most people are eager to come to your aide. It could be in the form of a financial contribution, lending a specific talent, or just stopping by every other Saturday afternoon to give you a rest. read more »
 
 

Sep 7, 2011

Q:

As caregiver for my 87 year-old mother, I was recently put in charge of her finances. Do you have a list that you work from that can help me figure out both her assets and her income? asked by Anita, Florida

A:
Absolutely. Protect your mother by gathering the facts so you have a comprehensive understanding of her financial situation. I often find myself playing the role of detective, since much of this information is difficult to come by. read more »
 
 

Aug 24, 2011

Q:

I’m trying to get a better understanding of my mother’s expenses. Do you have a master list you usually work from? asked by Sue Ann, Tennessee

A:
Yes, I do. Every situation is unique, but I start with the following list of monthly expenses from these common categories (and there may be others)... read more »
 
 

Aug 9, 2011

Q:

My father has always handled his own financial situation, but now that he’s losing some of his mental acuity, I need to get involved. However, I’ve never been privy to his finances, so I’m finding it difficult to broach the subject. What should I do? asked by Joan, Hawaii

A:
Your father’s financial situation can be a difficult issue to address. The very nature of the discussion calls his independence into question. But you have to address this as soon as possible. The longer you wait, the more likely it is that problems will arise. read more »
 
 

Jul 27, 2011

Q:

Do you have any suggestions on how to handle the ethical issues I’m encountering as a caregiver? asked by Kenya, Indiana

A:
The biggest ethical challenge is usually money. If you’re in charge of your elder’s finances, set up a clear accounting of funds as they come in and go out. Don’t commingle money unless your elder desires it. I’ve seen many caregivers outright steal from their elder. Cash can be drained from bank accounts, or one day the 100-year-old family silver tea set disappears without explanation. Don’t let this happen. read more »
 
 

Jul 13, 2011

Q:

What housing choices are there for my 79-year-old father? I don’t think he can live by himself now that my mother has passed away. asked by Ellen, Oregon

A:
As I’m sure you realize, this is an incredibly difficult subject. Where and how a person lives says everything about their independence and sense of self. If you are considering moving your father from his longtime home, do so only because of medical or economic issues that cannot be managed otherwise. In any relocation there is an adjustment period – transfer trauma – that can diminish cognitive abilities, disorient your father, and/or send him into depression. read more »
 
 

Jun 29, 2011

Q:

I’m feeling absolutely overwhelmed by my caregiving responsibilities. My nerves are shot. How can I better manage this difficult situation? asked by Francesca, New York

A:
While caring for an elder loved one can be an overwhelming job, the most important step is to realize that you can’t do it all by yourself. Get support from others, and delegate tasks to others whenever possible. Don’t let yourself become caught in a no-win situation. All too often, I see caregivers play the martyr when all they need to do is ask for help. As long as you determine exactly what help is needed, most people are eager to come to your aid. read more »
 
 

Jun 15, 2011

Q:

My sisters and I are caring for our parents who are near the end of their lives. Please give me an idea of the legal papers that must be in order as my family goes through this difficult situation. asked by Cindy, Virginia

A:
Thanks for asking. You’d be surprised at how many elderly pass away without their legal papers in order. As a caregiver, it is vital that you take on that responsibility. These papers include their birth certificate, marriage certificate, social insurance/security card, passport, and driver’s license. They should all be in original condition. read more »
 
 

Jun 1, 2011

Q:

My friend is retired and on a fixed income. She would like help with her finances but is very secretive about what she has. How do you go about asking the questions that need to be asked? I am more than willing to help her out, but I'm not sure how to go about it. She is alone, with no family, and most of her friends have passed on or moved. asked by Patty, New York

A:
This is a tricky one. Dealing with a friend or relative’s finances can create emotional trauma. Not only are people often secretive about their finances, as you mention, but many times, relatives that haven’t been heard from in a long time come out of the woodwork looking for their share. I’ve seen many cases where people who were only trying to help had to hire legal help for themselves when others accused them of wrongdoing. You can get caught up in family feuds, turf wars, and legal nightmares. Sometimes this doesn’t happen until the elder person has passed on and wills and probates are put into action. read more »
 
 

May 18, 2011

Q:

How do you know when it's time to move your parent? What are some factors to consider? asked by Rebecca, Portland, OR

A:
As our parents change, we need to step in and help them in ways that are supportive but not intrusive. In my book “Elder Care Made Easier,” I discuss various warning signs that can alert you to any difficulties your parents may be having. It’s important to make sure that our parents are safe physically, financially, and emotionally. read more »
 
 

Apr 28, 2011

Q:

My parents are getting older, and I’ve been hearing a lot about long-term care insurance. I’m considering purchasing it for them (and potentially myself), but I’m not too familiar with it. Is it worth it? What can you tell me about it? asked by Sheila, Connecticut

A:
It is important to understand the benefits of long term care insurance and how it can be used to help protect your family and finances, as well as help to avoid placing the same caregiving burdens on the next generation. Most people envision themselves living a long life, investing and planning throughout their working years to create a financially secure future where they can enjoy spending time doing the things they enjoy the most. As part of your financial planning process, it’s important to understand the potential impact that needing long-term care may have on your assets, your family, and your future. read more »
 
 

Apr 27, 2011

Q:

I have not had my period for 3.5 years - and all of a sudden I got it a week ago! What happened? I’m 55 years old and the only thing that changed is that I retired? asked by Anonymous, retired, Pickering, ON

A:
Thank you for writing in. I am not a medical doctor, but a Ph.D., in the study of the elderly, persons with special needs and disabilities, and retirement issues. read more »
 
 

Apr 21, 2011

Q:

My ailing 78 year-old father lives back home in New York and I live in Chicago. There’s just no way for me to be there for him as much as I’d like. How can I ensure that he receives more attention in the difficult years ahead? Somebody mentioned a geriatric care manager as a possibility? asked by Andrew, Illinois

A:
Whether we chose it or not, caregiving is usually thrust upon us. One of the first steps is to figure out what your resources are in terms of time, money, family, job, and traveling. You have your own family, social life, and job responsibilities that cannot be ignored. Decide what you are able to do and what you can delegate to others. Tap into your family network as well as your elder’s friends for help. Often, the best option is to hire a geriatric care manager. read more »
 
 

Apr 21, 2011

Q:

Should my parent move into my home? And where can I even get started now that my father has died and my mother requires daily attention? asked by Sam, New Jersey

A:
In many cultures and societies, it’s a tradition to move your elder into your home when they reach a certain age. I think it’s a good idea to keep your elder in a familiar, loving environment if he or she must be moved. Often, people feel that this is the socially appropriate and best economic solution. This can be a very difficult choice though, especially if your spouse doesn’t get along with your elder. However, you should consider it, as long as you understand the impact it will have on everyone concerned. read more »
 
 

Apr 21, 2011

Q:

I’m a working mother with two teenagers who live at home. My parents are relatively healthy, but they are getting older (81 and 77 respectively). What can I do to be proactive about their future health? asked by Concerned in Colorado

A:
That is a very important question, and I’m happy that you asked it. If we all took care of just a few of the many issues your parents will surely face over the next decade, caregiver stress could be greatly reduced. The best thing you can do, starting today, is understand at a baseline level exactly what issues your parents are dealing with. A good way to start is to lay out four basic categories – medical, financial, emotional, and social – and methodically determine ways to help. read more »
 
 
 
 
 
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